I try to be a happy chap most of the time, I really have to work hard at it these days, not having any work and feeling pretty useless.
but today my friend said something that made me think a bit. She said i was "so infuriating " well i didn't know how to answer her. I mean infuriating , I thought "how rude". But you know after sitting down for an hour or two and thinking about it I can understand why.
I must be one of the hardest people in the world to live with. Being out of work, where before I was getting a job sometimes two or three a week.I am now sat on my arse for a good portion of the day.
Please don't think I am one of those daytime tele people, that would be hard because I don't actually own a working television.
I go out most days and do the whole looking for work thing, job centre, library, asking at every place I can think of etc etc. So I am out and about.
I hate going into town though so I do what I need to do and then get the hell out of Dodge, It ain't that I don't like the town, I just can't stand the idiots that are trolling around there these days, I can't stand to see those "little groups of sadness" huddled in the market square being sad at one another because they think it's cool (Emo's I think they are called)
So i will from now on unless I really am pushed for time put a shout out on Facebook or one of the miriad of social networking sites I seem to be on to see if anyone wishes to join me for coffee or a beer if time is on my side.
Apparently my friend says I have to get out more and meet people and because I don't she says I am "infuriating" because I "lock myself away in my little box of a living room and speen all day on Facebook or watching films"
I wish i could do that but alas no. I train everyday with my swords or knives and go through all my karate basics, kicks punches blocks etc so as to keep myself fit.
But on the advisement of my friend I will try to stop being so infuriating and get out more.
In my last blog I talked about loneliness, well I am lonely and would love a girlfriend again, been a very long time for me 10 years for Christs sake so I must do what I can to rectify this.
I love my friend very much and I know she only has my best intentions at heart. But where do you start after ten years, how do you get back in the game so to speak.
I have forgotten how to talk to girls, I have forgotten how to chat one up that's for damned sure. I was once gifted with the ability to do this nut now I am unsure.
I have always been quite shy around girls and have always found myself a bit tongue tied when one speaks to me, especially if I am dressed in my everyday clothes.
It's all good when I am in costume, when I am dressed as Robin Hood, a highwayman, pirate or some such other character, I can hide behind that. But as me I am just pretty dull I think. Maybe I think too much. I can't read the signs anymore, everything has changed.
Still I must try my best and do what is necessary, just to stop being so "infuriating" . I hate it when she goes off on one and shouts at me I always feel like a little child who has bee scolded for being caught with his fingers in the biscuit barrel. I always feel like I am a shit friend when she does this.
I do say i'm sorry and try my best, it's just that sometimes I can't get it right......ever.
I know I need a woman and that's for sure, I just don't want some space cadet who has nothing to say but looks pretty.
I am not a shallow person I don't really care what someone looks like as long as they have something to say that I find interesting. Oh don't get me wrong I don't want some hideous crone I would love a girl/woman that is pretty and has something about her and not just a look, if that is shallow then okay that's what I am.
Still just thought I would write a little something about me being "infuriating" but not miserable.
apologies for the crammer
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Lonely or Alone
I have always liked my own company, always managed to get things done when I have been alone, without worrying about being a perfect host and all that bollocks.
But of late I have found myself pulling back into myself, and although I have many friends (very few who actually visit me) I have been feeling lonely, or is it alone. To be honest I have never really known the difference between the two (or have I)
I hate this feeling, even when I am surrounded by people I still feel the same way.
I got a friend who says to me "You need a girlfriend dude, the last one you had was ten years ago". Maybe this is true but will it stop me from feeling this loneliness.
Why has it come over me, I never used to feel like this. I have always been a friendly enough chap, I have laughed with my friends, and cried with them. I have always been there for the few who I deem as family.
"Go out more, and meet new people"
Is this the answer, I have tried this and all I end up doing is drinking or standing alone at the bar, I engage people in conversation and still I end up on my own.
I have always been able to talk to people and I know I am not boring, not because of what I am or do but because everyone I meet always tells me "oh my god, you have such an interesting life".
So why do I feel like this why am I suddenly alone and feeling lonely?
Maybe there is no answer to the question, it's like "Why am I here" thousands of people will give you a thousand answers, doesn't mean that any of them will be right.
Maybe I am not lonely at all, maybe it's just that I am alone, I just wish I knew. Now if anyone reads this and wants to comment, please don't quote the dictionary at me. I already know what it says in there.
Maybe no one will comment, which is cool, I don't expect people to even read my ramblings. I set this blog thing up more for myself than others, just a way of getting a few thoughts down somewhere.
But it is an interesting point. Alone or lonely, which is which and when does being alone start to turn int loneliness.
But of late I have found myself pulling back into myself, and although I have many friends (very few who actually visit me) I have been feeling lonely, or is it alone. To be honest I have never really known the difference between the two (or have I)
I hate this feeling, even when I am surrounded by people I still feel the same way.
I got a friend who says to me "You need a girlfriend dude, the last one you had was ten years ago". Maybe this is true but will it stop me from feeling this loneliness.
Why has it come over me, I never used to feel like this. I have always been a friendly enough chap, I have laughed with my friends, and cried with them. I have always been there for the few who I deem as family.
"Go out more, and meet new people"
Is this the answer, I have tried this and all I end up doing is drinking or standing alone at the bar, I engage people in conversation and still I end up on my own.
I have always been able to talk to people and I know I am not boring, not because of what I am or do but because everyone I meet always tells me "oh my god, you have such an interesting life".
So why do I feel like this why am I suddenly alone and feeling lonely?
Maybe there is no answer to the question, it's like "Why am I here" thousands of people will give you a thousand answers, doesn't mean that any of them will be right.
Maybe I am not lonely at all, maybe it's just that I am alone, I just wish I knew. Now if anyone reads this and wants to comment, please don't quote the dictionary at me. I already know what it says in there.
Maybe no one will comment, which is cool, I don't expect people to even read my ramblings. I set this blog thing up more for myself than others, just a way of getting a few thoughts down somewhere.
But it is an interesting point. Alone or lonely, which is which and when does being alone start to turn int loneliness.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
"I have of late, and know not where, lost all my mirth"
I have been on a bit of a downer of late. Why, there are a few reasons.
I have been out of work for over two years...."Over two years"....yes, and this is why.
The place I was on contract to closed down, because it was badly run by people who had no passion for the place.
I worked at The Tales Of Robin Hood" in Nottingham, where I live. I was there in the capacity as the education officer and resident living historian.
"Are you qualified to do that job". Yes, I hold a PhD in history and have been studying the history of Robin Hood for over thirty years, so that must make me qualified.
The biggest problem is that the Tales was run by someone who didn't really care. All he wanted to do was make as much money as he could out of the place without putting anything back in.
I used to take school parties and tell them the truth behind the legend. I would break down some serious walls about the character of the man in green, firstly by telling them he didn't wear green.
But it closed down and there is now nothing in Nottingham that is specifically to do with Robin Hood.
I am an actor, fight choreographer and do allot of stunt work as well. But there is no work in the industry at the moment because of cuts and when of course you get to my age people think you are over the hill.
It matters not that I am just as fit and healthy as I was twenty years ago, because I keep myself that way, neither does it matter that I train every single day. Oh no, that doesn't mean anything. In this game once you reach forty you are done (and it's worse for women)
So I am stuck looking at the want adds and trying to see if I fit anywhere else. I could be one of those people who just rests on their laurels and does nothing, thinking the world owes them a favour, no sorry can't do that, worked all my life until this point and it's getting me down.
Teach, someone said to me.....no can't even do that without the right paperwork. It doesn't matter that I have over thirty years of experience in my chosen field, it doesn't matter that I have letters after my name. If you don't have the right papers you might as well be pissing into the wind.
The DWP Department of Works and Pensions, The DSS Department of Social Security are next to useless as well.
The last time I went in there they said "You have to be realistic" and then tried to foist bar work, catering work, kitchen work at me saying "This is all you can do".....................WTF
I am not a proud man, I will take a job that fits my skill set. I will not take a job that is thrown at me just to gat me off some departmental government books, just to make those bastards look good. Is this wrong of me, maybe I should sell out and take the first thing that is given to me, but what about all the skilled bar staff and kitchen workers who are unemployed, surely these jobs would be better given to them.
I was reading in the papers a few weeks ago that there are 5000 jobs a month being lost because of this recession, 5000 people, that's criminal, and why because we have a government that thinks more about lining it's own pockets than it does about making this country a better place.
I have been out of work for over two years...."Over two years"....yes, and this is why.
The place I was on contract to closed down, because it was badly run by people who had no passion for the place.
I worked at The Tales Of Robin Hood" in Nottingham, where I live. I was there in the capacity as the education officer and resident living historian.
"Are you qualified to do that job". Yes, I hold a PhD in history and have been studying the history of Robin Hood for over thirty years, so that must make me qualified.
The biggest problem is that the Tales was run by someone who didn't really care. All he wanted to do was make as much money as he could out of the place without putting anything back in.
I used to take school parties and tell them the truth behind the legend. I would break down some serious walls about the character of the man in green, firstly by telling them he didn't wear green.
But it closed down and there is now nothing in Nottingham that is specifically to do with Robin Hood.
I am an actor, fight choreographer and do allot of stunt work as well. But there is no work in the industry at the moment because of cuts and when of course you get to my age people think you are over the hill.
It matters not that I am just as fit and healthy as I was twenty years ago, because I keep myself that way, neither does it matter that I train every single day. Oh no, that doesn't mean anything. In this game once you reach forty you are done (and it's worse for women)
So I am stuck looking at the want adds and trying to see if I fit anywhere else. I could be one of those people who just rests on their laurels and does nothing, thinking the world owes them a favour, no sorry can't do that, worked all my life until this point and it's getting me down.
Teach, someone said to me.....no can't even do that without the right paperwork. It doesn't matter that I have over thirty years of experience in my chosen field, it doesn't matter that I have letters after my name. If you don't have the right papers you might as well be pissing into the wind.
The DWP Department of Works and Pensions, The DSS Department of Social Security are next to useless as well.
The last time I went in there they said "You have to be realistic" and then tried to foist bar work, catering work, kitchen work at me saying "This is all you can do".....................WTF
I am not a proud man, I will take a job that fits my skill set. I will not take a job that is thrown at me just to gat me off some departmental government books, just to make those bastards look good. Is this wrong of me, maybe I should sell out and take the first thing that is given to me, but what about all the skilled bar staff and kitchen workers who are unemployed, surely these jobs would be better given to them.
I was reading in the papers a few weeks ago that there are 5000 jobs a month being lost because of this recession, 5000 people, that's criminal, and why because we have a government that thinks more about lining it's own pockets than it does about making this country a better place.
I hate my life at the moment, but do you know what I hate even more, those sanctimonious bastards that say "Oh keep your chin up, it will get better". You know the ones who are working and don't really give a tiss about whether you are working or not because they are sitting pretty with a six figured salary. They say it not to keep your chin up, but just to rub it in your face. I know when something is meant and when something is being said just to say something.
People say "You can't be down, you're always smiling" yes but that doesn't mean I am happy, it simply means that I don't want sympathy from you because I am down, I don't want to inflict my misery on you. So I keep a smile on my face and try to make other people laugh and try not to be the miserable bastard I feel.
I want to work for myself, when acting I have to, I pay my own taxes and national insurance. I keep my own accounts. But even there I am fucked, why, because I can't get a loan from the bank because I am signing on, I can't get any help from anywhere...Oh and trust me I have covered all my options on that one. I have tried everywhere to get a small business loan.
At the moment my life is shit, the only good thing in it is my boy David who has just got his PhD in Archeology...and my best friend Hoppity she is a beautiful girl, with her head screwed on (sometimes I want to screw it off) in the right place.We argue but never fall out, we trust each other implicitly and have no secrets, and one of the very few girls who has never lied to me.
Both she and David keep me sane and I love them both, David because he loves history and has always supported me and Hoppity because she is the most intelligent female I know, who has the heart of a lion and the beauty of a supermodel.
I want to work for myself, when acting I have to, I pay my own taxes and national insurance. I keep my own accounts. But even there I am fucked, why, because I can't get a loan from the bank because I am signing on, I can't get any help from anywhere...Oh and trust me I have covered all my options on that one. I have tried everywhere to get a small business loan.
At the moment my life is shit, the only good thing in it is my boy David who has just got his PhD in Archeology...and my best friend Hoppity she is a beautiful girl, with her head screwed on (sometimes I want to screw it off) in the right place.We argue but never fall out, we trust each other implicitly and have no secrets, and one of the very few girls who has never lied to me.
Both she and David keep me sane and I love them both, David because he loves history and has always supported me and Hoppity because she is the most intelligent female I know, who has the heart of a lion and the beauty of a supermodel.
My life sucks ass....but you know. There is always someone worse off than me, so for now I will cope with my lot in life and cleave to my friends.
Thoughts
So, I thought I would have a word about things. Nothing in particular just some thoughts that have been playing on my mind.
To start with:
How do you tell someone, especially a good friend that they are playing a dangerous game when it comes to the way they live their life.
Do you just come out and say it or do you bite your tongue and wait for the fallout.
If you say something and they take it the wrong way, call you interfering, or become outright defensive and start shouting that "If you are a real friend you will support me".
So you support them and it all goes wrong. Then you get "Why didn't you tell me something, why didn't you try and stop me"
I have got involved before with friends lives and have been slapped down for it. But, what kind of a friends would you be if you just let them get on with it and said nothing?
What if your friend says something and then completely does a whole turn around and does the exact opposite, what do you say to them then. Have they lied to you or are they just making a mistake?
I have only a few friends, many aquaintances but only a very few friends. These are the people I care about, they are my family, sometimes I could strangle them but I love them dearly and will take a bullet or a blade for them any second of any day.
I worry about my friends, most of them are younger than me and I say to them on a regular basis. "What ever you are planning on doing ,I was doing twenty years ago" Sometimes they listen sometimes they don't.
What can you do to help friends who are adamant that they know what they are doing, when it's pretty obvious that they aren't old enough, because they haven't seen enough of life to know. I am begining to bite my tongue these days and not to say anything, it's bloody hard at times but maybe it's the best way..........or is it.
What if one of them gets into trouble bought on by this simple lack of understanding that you can't go through life as if it doesn't matter, that there is always tomorrow.
Do I sound old or do I sound like someone who cares. Maybe I am just from a generation that did care about there friends more.than they do today.
To start with:
How do you tell someone, especially a good friend that they are playing a dangerous game when it comes to the way they live their life.
Do you just come out and say it or do you bite your tongue and wait for the fallout.
If you say something and they take it the wrong way, call you interfering, or become outright defensive and start shouting that "If you are a real friend you will support me".
So you support them and it all goes wrong. Then you get "Why didn't you tell me something, why didn't you try and stop me"
I have got involved before with friends lives and have been slapped down for it. But, what kind of a friends would you be if you just let them get on with it and said nothing?
What if your friend says something and then completely does a whole turn around and does the exact opposite, what do you say to them then. Have they lied to you or are they just making a mistake?
I have only a few friends, many aquaintances but only a very few friends. These are the people I care about, they are my family, sometimes I could strangle them but I love them dearly and will take a bullet or a blade for them any second of any day.
I worry about my friends, most of them are younger than me and I say to them on a regular basis. "What ever you are planning on doing ,I was doing twenty years ago" Sometimes they listen sometimes they don't.
What can you do to help friends who are adamant that they know what they are doing, when it's pretty obvious that they aren't old enough, because they haven't seen enough of life to know. I am begining to bite my tongue these days and not to say anything, it's bloody hard at times but maybe it's the best way..........or is it.
What if one of them gets into trouble bought on by this simple lack of understanding that you can't go through life as if it doesn't matter, that there is always tomorrow.
Do I sound old or do I sound like someone who cares. Maybe I am just from a generation that did care about there friends more.than they do today.
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