Hello
Well it's been a while, but here goes.~
What have I been up to since I last left something on here.
Well I did a bit of film work which was great on a project called Molly Crows. I don't really do much horror stuff these days but I thought why not. Working for a chap by the name of Ray Andrew Wilkes (kind of always reminds me of an assassin does that three barreled names. You know like Lee Harvey Oswald, etc) but he was a great chap to work for, sometimes I think he was a bit confused as to what was going on, but he did a damned good job and it was a pleasure to work for him.
I played the part of a witch finder and must admit I looked fucking awesome. took my boy young David along and a mate Jason who also played witch finders.
Will be interesting to see just how well it turns out. I have worked on huge budget stuff that didn't go so well and turned out to be total shite ie Robin Hood the major block buster a couple of years back, a great idea but just nothing to do with Robin Hood.
Also gave me a chance to catch up with my friend Layla, she , of course, is brilliant a model, actor, and does a whole lot on those psychic tv program things. She's the kind of girl that calls a spade a spade , or more likely a fucking spafe and also makes or re upholsters furniture, a wicked funny sense of humour, you just wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her.
So what else, well I am still trying my best to get my own business sorted out but until I can get the cash I am fucked.
Missing Hoppity loads, the house is like a mortuary since she moved out, she now has here own place, been there, it's real nice, a bit small but nice all the same.
On a different tack, I have been talking to the new owner of the bark Endeavour, I used to skipper her when we did events up there.
Anyway he wants to do something to make the old girl look something like she was when I first saw her and make it more an educational center, which is most cool. I ain't going to say much because I would hate to jinx it. (Keep your eyes on my posts for more information)
There are now plans to build a Robin Hood park up in Sherwood, I ain't got a whole lot of information about tha, but doubtless it will be based on the legend rather than the truth, so I doubt I will get a look in, unless I make them listen to me without upsetting anyone.that is lol.
Oh as for the debt thing.Well what can I tell you, I am still on the bones of my arse there, trying to get out of debt when you are on the dole is like trying to push a truck up hill with the brakes on. I do however have a bit of news. I was arguing with a debt collection agency Moorcroft, who had cut up a bit keen about coming round and taking goods etc etc until I pointed out that the £40 a month they were expecting me to pay was proper out of order because it was already being stopped at source.
They eventually decided that they wouldn't be sending someone round to remove goods ( yeah like I was really going to let that happen ) and that if it was being stopped at source then that was good enough.
I even managed to talk to someone who was polite at a different debt collection agency I am having to deal with that was actually pleasant and understood how difficult it was to pay debts back whilst o the dole.
Oh for those that think I am just a waster and a none payer of debts who haven't seen my other posts. It's not that, but I trusted an ex to pay my bills and she didn't. She paid hers with the money I was putting into her account and left mine, so I never knew what I owed until I found out through a company that showed me all the money I had payed into her account had gone on her shit and I was left holding the shit end of the stick, so to speak. Yeah this went on for about three years so I ended up in huge amounts of debt while she was sitting pretty, not only that but I also ended up paying two years of her pole tax...........which was nice..not.
So other than that I ain't really got much else to say..............................Oh besides working on a music video by a band called Last July, I played the part of the menacing bouncer, yeah you can find it on Youtube. It's called Glamerous Parasite, good tune band are great. I am awesome of course
Okay that's it for now
Monday, 19 November 2012
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
What the FUCK.
Okay so it's august and I must say I usually like August, sunshine, visits to the sea, drinks in a nice little pub somewhere with friends etc etc.
Not this August though, if ever there was a month that could do with fucking right off it's August 2012.
Not only did I have a visit from some blood sucking bailiffs about none payment of Poll tax, Community Charge or whatever the hell it is called these days, but after doing a bit of re search I found out that it isn't even mine that I am having to pay. It is down to my ex and an old housemate of mine (before I even moved into this address)>
I am having to pay other peoples because when we all lived in the same house , it was shared, not seperate flats, an my name was on the rent book, therefore I am responsible for the tax payments.......nice eh.
So not only that, but my best friend in all the world moves out, which means suddenly I am having to pay for everything again, on my own, whereas she would help with food, gas, electric etc, so I am now having to pay for everything myself again.
But to top the month off my old dog Captain Flint was put to sleep a few days ago, so August 2012, you can fuck off and kiss my arse.
Oh yeah and my bike is still off the road, can't even afford to get the screws, nuts and bolts that have been lost by Vlad the bastard (cat). So yeah this month has been the worst month I hav had to suffer for many many years.
There are certain things that really get to me though, I mean things that no one should have to put up with, like, paying someone else's debts off. This Poll tax thing I have been paying off for months now, I stopped because of a mix up at the Job Center office , because at the moment I am having to sign on (which I fucking hate)
I mean I couldn't let someone else pay my debts off without a by your leave or a kiss my arse but that is exactly what I am doing.
I hate the fact that it was someone I trusted as well.
My old dog going was hard but he was 19 years 5 months old and that is a hell of an age for a Lurcher to reach, the vet was amazed.
But I am just feeling so low at the moment., maybe it's time I was travelling again. I got a good mind to sell everything I own and just fuck off, tired of this life, tired of living hand to mouth, just plain old tired of everything and everybody.
Pleas don't get me wrong I have loads of people in my life (only a few I actually care about) but loadsof people I can see and talk to but not even that is helping .
I need a change of luck.I used to have luck, I had it by the bushel basket, but now it's just gone and with it went allot of my hope.
I am still trying to get my own business back up and running but cannot find the funding/ grants to be able to start and you know what pisses me off more about that than anything else.............It's £2.500, that's it, that's all I need, it's a pissing little amount, but no one can help me, and please before anyone starts sending me links to this and that and saying try this...trust me I have already covered all my options on this score and I do mean every single one, so don't waste your time finding anything out about it for me because I really have tried everything there is to try, even private funding.
No I am afraid that all this shit that has come to rest at my door is just about all I can take for right now, if anything else happens to me that isn't positive I am just likely to lose the plot altogether.
Well that's about it really, my back is getting better, the only positive thing to happen. Other than that my life is sucking dick right now.
Not this August though, if ever there was a month that could do with fucking right off it's August 2012.
Not only did I have a visit from some blood sucking bailiffs about none payment of Poll tax, Community Charge or whatever the hell it is called these days, but after doing a bit of re search I found out that it isn't even mine that I am having to pay. It is down to my ex and an old housemate of mine (before I even moved into this address)>
I am having to pay other peoples because when we all lived in the same house , it was shared, not seperate flats, an my name was on the rent book, therefore I am responsible for the tax payments.......nice eh.
So not only that, but my best friend in all the world moves out, which means suddenly I am having to pay for everything again, on my own, whereas she would help with food, gas, electric etc, so I am now having to pay for everything myself again.
But to top the month off my old dog Captain Flint was put to sleep a few days ago, so August 2012, you can fuck off and kiss my arse.
Oh yeah and my bike is still off the road, can't even afford to get the screws, nuts and bolts that have been lost by Vlad the bastard (cat). So yeah this month has been the worst month I hav had to suffer for many many years.
There are certain things that really get to me though, I mean things that no one should have to put up with, like, paying someone else's debts off. This Poll tax thing I have been paying off for months now, I stopped because of a mix up at the Job Center office , because at the moment I am having to sign on (which I fucking hate)
I mean I couldn't let someone else pay my debts off without a by your leave or a kiss my arse but that is exactly what I am doing.
I hate the fact that it was someone I trusted as well.
My old dog going was hard but he was 19 years 5 months old and that is a hell of an age for a Lurcher to reach, the vet was amazed.
But I am just feeling so low at the moment., maybe it's time I was travelling again. I got a good mind to sell everything I own and just fuck off, tired of this life, tired of living hand to mouth, just plain old tired of everything and everybody.
Pleas don't get me wrong I have loads of people in my life (only a few I actually care about) but loadsof people I can see and talk to but not even that is helping .
I need a change of luck.I used to have luck, I had it by the bushel basket, but now it's just gone and with it went allot of my hope.
I am still trying to get my own business back up and running but cannot find the funding/ grants to be able to start and you know what pisses me off more about that than anything else.............It's £2.500, that's it, that's all I need, it's a pissing little amount, but no one can help me, and please before anyone starts sending me links to this and that and saying try this...trust me I have already covered all my options on this score and I do mean every single one, so don't waste your time finding anything out about it for me because I really have tried everything there is to try, even private funding.
No I am afraid that all this shit that has come to rest at my door is just about all I can take for right now, if anything else happens to me that isn't positive I am just likely to lose the plot altogether.
Well that's about it really, my back is getting better, the only positive thing to happen. Other than that my life is sucking dick right now.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
I have of late and know not where lost all my mirth (part 2)
It's the end of an era.
Hoppity moves out today and I feel gutted.
For those that don't know Hoppity (Amy) Haggard is my best friend. She moved into my house eighteen months ago after moving to Bullwell and finding it to be a shithole.
It ain't been the easiest of times, for seven months we were both unemployed and literally living on the bones of our respective arses, but the one thing we did even when we were both broke with very little sometimes no food in the house is laugh, we laughed so much about the most stupid things and I am going to seriously miss that.
It's not like we were boyfriend/girlfriend material, we just got on so well, we understood each other and we became real close.
She was only going to be here for a short time, I knew that from day one, but now she is moving out and I am really upset about it.
I know I will see her again, it ain't that, it will just be different and I fear that we will drift apart until we are just nodding to each other across the pub.
I had a best friend once and lost them the same way.
They always say "Oh don't worry I will keep in touch and come see you all the time, and that is what happens.........for a bit. Then the visits get less and less and the conversation gets less and less until you are just strangers to one another......I don't think i could stand to lose another best friend that way.
I don't make friends very easily, never have been able to, don't know why it's just the way I am I suppose.
I am now feeling like shit and can't get my head round that fact. I am happy for her to be moving into her own place, it's the first time she has had a place of her own so she is very excited about it.
I suppose I just don't want to be on my own again. The last time I was on my own I was in that place for eight years, and I kind of got used to the fact, then Hoppity moved in and it was like having a Saturn 5 rocket strapped to my back, it was like thunder before the rain, a proper roller coaster of a ride and I enjoyed every single second of it. but she uis now moving out and I just have this feeling that I am going to be back where I was eighteen months ago.
Oh it';s alright people saying "then don't slip back" easier said than done. For those that have never been in my position then before saying something like that, just think about it.
I am still without work, even though I look every day in the vain hope that there will be something I can do, but as yet there is still nothing.
All I know how to do is act, I have been doing that for thirty years and it ain't easy when you are only trained for that one thing, for some stiff necked idiot at the job center to turn and say " all we can offer you is work as a cleaner, bar work, kitchen staff, in fact every kind of shit job you can imagine, what's more I have degrees in History, Drama and art. None of which are of a fat lot of use to me.
My life is going down hill very fast and alll I can do is hang on until it stops.
I have been more than pro active in looking for work, but there is literally nothing for me out there.
I need an agent but can't find one who is willing to take me onto their books, even a shit agent would be good right now.
But the fact that my friend is moving out today has really upset me. It's like an episode of Friends I tell you.
If my bike were on the road I could at least go out and do some travelling, it wouldn't take a great deal to put it on the road either. I have been promised by someone to do the work but they ain't showed, so I am still without transport, I can't even afford to get someone out to do the work, so unless someone is willing to come help me the bike will be sat there for another twelve months doing nothing, it's sucjh a shane. I could do the work myself, it's only a case of doinf the brake pads and fitting a new throttle cable. The problem is I just don't have the dexterity in my fingers anymore (too many broken fingers I guess)
So you see at the moment I have no transport, no job or hope of getting one and my best friend is moving out...............................great, I wonder when I am going to fall and break my neck, because the way my luck is going that's bound to happen.
Hoppity moves out today and I feel gutted.
For those that don't know Hoppity (Amy) Haggard is my best friend. She moved into my house eighteen months ago after moving to Bullwell and finding it to be a shithole.
It ain't been the easiest of times, for seven months we were both unemployed and literally living on the bones of our respective arses, but the one thing we did even when we were both broke with very little sometimes no food in the house is laugh, we laughed so much about the most stupid things and I am going to seriously miss that.
It's not like we were boyfriend/girlfriend material, we just got on so well, we understood each other and we became real close.
She was only going to be here for a short time, I knew that from day one, but now she is moving out and I am really upset about it.
I know I will see her again, it ain't that, it will just be different and I fear that we will drift apart until we are just nodding to each other across the pub.
I had a best friend once and lost them the same way.
They always say "Oh don't worry I will keep in touch and come see you all the time, and that is what happens.........for a bit. Then the visits get less and less and the conversation gets less and less until you are just strangers to one another......I don't think i could stand to lose another best friend that way.
I don't make friends very easily, never have been able to, don't know why it's just the way I am I suppose.
I am now feeling like shit and can't get my head round that fact. I am happy for her to be moving into her own place, it's the first time she has had a place of her own so she is very excited about it.
I suppose I just don't want to be on my own again. The last time I was on my own I was in that place for eight years, and I kind of got used to the fact, then Hoppity moved in and it was like having a Saturn 5 rocket strapped to my back, it was like thunder before the rain, a proper roller coaster of a ride and I enjoyed every single second of it. but she uis now moving out and I just have this feeling that I am going to be back where I was eighteen months ago.
Oh it';s alright people saying "then don't slip back" easier said than done. For those that have never been in my position then before saying something like that, just think about it.
I am still without work, even though I look every day in the vain hope that there will be something I can do, but as yet there is still nothing.
All I know how to do is act, I have been doing that for thirty years and it ain't easy when you are only trained for that one thing, for some stiff necked idiot at the job center to turn and say " all we can offer you is work as a cleaner, bar work, kitchen staff, in fact every kind of shit job you can imagine, what's more I have degrees in History, Drama and art. None of which are of a fat lot of use to me.
My life is going down hill very fast and alll I can do is hang on until it stops.
I have been more than pro active in looking for work, but there is literally nothing for me out there.
I need an agent but can't find one who is willing to take me onto their books, even a shit agent would be good right now.
But the fact that my friend is moving out today has really upset me. It's like an episode of Friends I tell you.
If my bike were on the road I could at least go out and do some travelling, it wouldn't take a great deal to put it on the road either. I have been promised by someone to do the work but they ain't showed, so I am still without transport, I can't even afford to get someone out to do the work, so unless someone is willing to come help me the bike will be sat there for another twelve months doing nothing, it's sucjh a shane. I could do the work myself, it's only a case of doinf the brake pads and fitting a new throttle cable. The problem is I just don't have the dexterity in my fingers anymore (too many broken fingers I guess)
So you see at the moment I have no transport, no job or hope of getting one and my best friend is moving out...............................great, I wonder when I am going to fall and break my neck, because the way my luck is going that's bound to happen.
Friday, 27 July 2012
It's all about the right thing, not the best, but the right thing.
Hello
it's been a while since my last blog so I thought I would catch up and say.........nothing absolutely nothing has changed except that now I am in a huge amount of pain due to an old back injury and it looks like it ain't ever going to be alright again.
For those of you who don't know , about twenty years ago I was doing some film work on a low budget film called "We are Saxon" and I was one of the riders. I have been riding for many years and can pretty much handle most prancers.
The scene was a charge across an open field after a stag, just as I was at full gallop a hare jumped straight up in front of "Mandy" the mare I was riding and she went up flailing about.
I got tipped off and caught up in the stirrup, so was dragged a fair few yards, then she decided to stop. Her arse end went down and she just rolled over me.
This caused a few injuries, a fractured Pelvis and the main one which was three disrupted vertebrae at the base of my spine, not the Coxics but the lumbar region that was so painful.
I rested it and did what the doctor said I should do but it never healed right.
So every now and then I will find myself in some discomfort, this time however it is a right bastard. I can hardly move, can't walk far, sleep, stand, sit, lie down, nothing.
For instance, I had to go into town today a walk of a couple of miles I can easily do in forty five minutes. Today it took me two hours.
Been to a specialist and he has said there is very little he can do about it because of the age of the injury, so i'm fucked, whichever way I go. So I got a choice, do I just sit for the next five weeks and do nothing (that's what the doctor says) or do I just carry on.
I don't know who will read this but if anyone does and they don't know me. I am a very active person. A stunt man, actor, fight choreographer, anything that requires a bit of action I am the first chap to say "hey I can do that"
Now I know the right thing would be to rest, but, that ain't the best thing for me. That much time sat on my arse would drive me insane. I am already gnashing at the bit just wanting to do something constructive, anything, but this not being able to do anything is like a slow painful death to me.
Oh yeah and to top it all off, my best friend and housemate Hoppity is looking for a place to live, she has a viewing on Tuesday, so she might be gone in a few weeks.
I love her to bits, we have had some wild times together and it's busting me up to think I am going to be stuck in this house on my own again.
Oh it's alright. They leave, find someone else to be around, as they should. But I in think in the end they just break my heart. I just go on and be the happy chap, full of beans and wishing them well, when really all I want to say is "Please, just stay, don't go. I don't want to be on my own again...................................Yeah I know stupid isn't it. It's as it should be, it's just the way my life has always been.
Oh they always say "I promise to stay in touch and come and see you all the time" but that's not real, that's just what to say to make it easier .
I been down that road before, You see them regularly to start with, then it gets longer between visits and suddenly you ain't even getting a Christmas card anymore
Oh by all that's holy listen to me going on. It's rue I will miss the Hopster every day, but I knew this weren't going to be forever, it's just really really hard.
The right thing to do would be to wish her all the luck in the world and hope she is happy and all that M'larky, and of course I do. It's just hard to see someone who you have been through some proper tough times with, leave, knowing that I am going to end up alone again.
Still I will be alright, I have to be.
Thanks for reading this and listening to me bang on about nothing that could possibly, remotely interest anyone lol.
it's been a while since my last blog so I thought I would catch up and say.........nothing absolutely nothing has changed except that now I am in a huge amount of pain due to an old back injury and it looks like it ain't ever going to be alright again.
For those of you who don't know , about twenty years ago I was doing some film work on a low budget film called "We are Saxon" and I was one of the riders. I have been riding for many years and can pretty much handle most prancers.
The scene was a charge across an open field after a stag, just as I was at full gallop a hare jumped straight up in front of "Mandy" the mare I was riding and she went up flailing about.
I got tipped off and caught up in the stirrup, so was dragged a fair few yards, then she decided to stop. Her arse end went down and she just rolled over me.
This caused a few injuries, a fractured Pelvis and the main one which was three disrupted vertebrae at the base of my spine, not the Coxics but the lumbar region that was so painful.
I rested it and did what the doctor said I should do but it never healed right.
So every now and then I will find myself in some discomfort, this time however it is a right bastard. I can hardly move, can't walk far, sleep, stand, sit, lie down, nothing.
For instance, I had to go into town today a walk of a couple of miles I can easily do in forty five minutes. Today it took me two hours.
Been to a specialist and he has said there is very little he can do about it because of the age of the injury, so i'm fucked, whichever way I go. So I got a choice, do I just sit for the next five weeks and do nothing (that's what the doctor says) or do I just carry on.
I don't know who will read this but if anyone does and they don't know me. I am a very active person. A stunt man, actor, fight choreographer, anything that requires a bit of action I am the first chap to say "hey I can do that"
Now I know the right thing would be to rest, but, that ain't the best thing for me. That much time sat on my arse would drive me insane. I am already gnashing at the bit just wanting to do something constructive, anything, but this not being able to do anything is like a slow painful death to me.
Oh yeah and to top it all off, my best friend and housemate Hoppity is looking for a place to live, she has a viewing on Tuesday, so she might be gone in a few weeks.
I love her to bits, we have had some wild times together and it's busting me up to think I am going to be stuck in this house on my own again.
Oh it's alright. They leave, find someone else to be around, as they should. But I in think in the end they just break my heart. I just go on and be the happy chap, full of beans and wishing them well, when really all I want to say is "Please, just stay, don't go. I don't want to be on my own again...................................Yeah I know stupid isn't it. It's as it should be, it's just the way my life has always been.
Oh they always say "I promise to stay in touch and come and see you all the time" but that's not real, that's just what to say to make it easier .
I been down that road before, You see them regularly to start with, then it gets longer between visits and suddenly you ain't even getting a Christmas card anymore
 |
| Me and Hoppity, my best friend. |
The right thing to do would be to wish her all the luck in the world and hope she is happy and all that M'larky, and of course I do. It's just hard to see someone who you have been through some proper tough times with, leave, knowing that I am going to end up alone again.
Still I will be alright, I have to be.
Thanks for reading this and listening to me bang on about nothing that could possibly, remotely interest anyone lol.
Monday, 4 June 2012
All alone and sick of it
Hello,
I am fed up with it do you hear.
I have been on my own now for the best part of eight years, I have been out of the dating game for that long I don't even remember how to approach a girl and talk to her these days.
I might not be pretty, or I might not be the worlds greatest lover, but I am someone who you can count on at any time. I know what it right and what is wrong, I also respect women........So why the fuck can't I get one.
I have never been a stupidly shallow person, I obviously would like someone pretty, but that's it. I don't want some super model....been there, done that and they are the most uptight and boring people I have ever met.
I don't even go for the whole big breasts thing that most guys go for, it really doesn't matter to me.
I just want someone who I can spend some time with, talk to, someone who won't judge me. I just need someone of the opposite sex.
Reading back what I have just written, makes me sound so pathetic, but I ain't. I am just sick to death of being on my own.
My best friend a girl who goes by the name of Hoppity Haggard is a stunning, beautiful girl and she says to me all the time "You will get someone" I hope to god she's right, because right now I am begining to doubt it.
I love talking to women, I love listening to them. Hoppity is the exception in my life (she really is stunning) and people often say, why don't you and her get together. Okay so say we did. we love each other to bits, that's for sure. We have no secrets from one another, in fact she knows more about me that any other living person.
We love spending time together even if she is working a hell of allot of hours........So why don't we get together..........It's kind of simple when you hear it.
We would end up killing each other. I am twice here age (Yeah I know age is just a number and all that Malarky) It does make a difference.
Do I fancy her, was a question I was asked the other day.....Of course I do, she is beautiful, tall and lovely, I would love to do unspeakable things to her, but that's just lust, and what we have is far greater than that. I would never risk my friendship with her just for a session of swapping body fluids (Yeah that was a bit coarse.....sorry)
She is the best friend I have ever had, she tells me straight and pulls no punches and is about the best thing that has come into my life for twenty odd years.........Isn't that what a best friend is suppossed to do though, be straight with you, and say it like it is.
So there you have it Hoppity and me as a couple, World War III, no thanks.
I am just bored with life at the moment, I need someone who will keep me occupied (again, not the best way of putting things) I just want someone.
Jesus Christ, it's got to be my time soon, as I ain't getting any younger, I might be as fit as fuck and look after myself, but even so. I got this nightmare of waking up one day when I am to old and thinking "is this it, am I doomed to spend what is left of my life alone"
I am fed up with it do you hear.
I have been on my own now for the best part of eight years, I have been out of the dating game for that long I don't even remember how to approach a girl and talk to her these days.
I might not be pretty, or I might not be the worlds greatest lover, but I am someone who you can count on at any time. I know what it right and what is wrong, I also respect women........So why the fuck can't I get one.
I have never been a stupidly shallow person, I obviously would like someone pretty, but that's it. I don't want some super model....been there, done that and they are the most uptight and boring people I have ever met.
I don't even go for the whole big breasts thing that most guys go for, it really doesn't matter to me.
I just want someone who I can spend some time with, talk to, someone who won't judge me. I just need someone of the opposite sex.
Reading back what I have just written, makes me sound so pathetic, but I ain't. I am just sick to death of being on my own.
My best friend a girl who goes by the name of Hoppity Haggard is a stunning, beautiful girl and she says to me all the time "You will get someone" I hope to god she's right, because right now I am begining to doubt it.
I love talking to women, I love listening to them. Hoppity is the exception in my life (she really is stunning) and people often say, why don't you and her get together. Okay so say we did. we love each other to bits, that's for sure. We have no secrets from one another, in fact she knows more about me that any other living person.
We love spending time together even if she is working a hell of allot of hours........So why don't we get together..........It's kind of simple when you hear it.
We would end up killing each other. I am twice here age (Yeah I know age is just a number and all that Malarky) It does make a difference.
Do I fancy her, was a question I was asked the other day.....Of course I do, she is beautiful, tall and lovely, I would love to do unspeakable things to her, but that's just lust, and what we have is far greater than that. I would never risk my friendship with her just for a session of swapping body fluids (Yeah that was a bit coarse.....sorry)
She is the best friend I have ever had, she tells me straight and pulls no punches and is about the best thing that has come into my life for twenty odd years.........Isn't that what a best friend is suppossed to do though, be straight with you, and say it like it is.
So there you have it Hoppity and me as a couple, World War III, no thanks.
I am just bored with life at the moment, I need someone who will keep me occupied (again, not the best way of putting things) I just want someone.
Jesus Christ, it's got to be my time soon, as I ain't getting any younger, I might be as fit as fuck and look after myself, but even so. I got this nightmare of waking up one day when I am to old and thinking "is this it, am I doomed to spend what is left of my life alone"
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
I am not miserable, just infuriating .
I try to be a happy chap most of the time, I really have to work hard at it these days, not having any work and feeling pretty useless.
but today my friend said something that made me think a bit. She said i was "so infuriating " well i didn't know how to answer her. I mean infuriating , I thought "how rude". But you know after sitting down for an hour or two and thinking about it I can understand why.
I must be one of the hardest people in the world to live with. Being out of work, where before I was getting a job sometimes two or three a week.I am now sat on my arse for a good portion of the day.
Please don't think I am one of those daytime tele people, that would be hard because I don't actually own a working television.
I go out most days and do the whole looking for work thing, job centre, library, asking at every place I can think of etc etc. So I am out and about.
I hate going into town though so I do what I need to do and then get the hell out of Dodge, It ain't that I don't like the town, I just can't stand the idiots that are trolling around there these days, I can't stand to see those "little groups of sadness" huddled in the market square being sad at one another because they think it's cool (Emo's I think they are called)
So i will from now on unless I really am pushed for time put a shout out on Facebook or one of the miriad of social networking sites I seem to be on to see if anyone wishes to join me for coffee or a beer if time is on my side.
Apparently my friend says I have to get out more and meet people and because I don't she says I am "infuriating" because I "lock myself away in my little box of a living room and speen all day on Facebook or watching films"
I wish i could do that but alas no. I train everyday with my swords or knives and go through all my karate basics, kicks punches blocks etc so as to keep myself fit.
But on the advisement of my friend I will try to stop being so infuriating and get out more.
In my last blog I talked about loneliness, well I am lonely and would love a girlfriend again, been a very long time for me 10 years for Christs sake so I must do what I can to rectify this.
I love my friend very much and I know she only has my best intentions at heart. But where do you start after ten years, how do you get back in the game so to speak.
I have forgotten how to talk to girls, I have forgotten how to chat one up that's for damned sure. I was once gifted with the ability to do this nut now I am unsure.
I have always been quite shy around girls and have always found myself a bit tongue tied when one speaks to me, especially if I am dressed in my everyday clothes.
It's all good when I am in costume, when I am dressed as Robin Hood, a highwayman, pirate or some such other character, I can hide behind that. But as me I am just pretty dull I think. Maybe I think too much. I can't read the signs anymore, everything has changed.
Still I must try my best and do what is necessary, just to stop being so "infuriating" . I hate it when she goes off on one and shouts at me I always feel like a little child who has bee scolded for being caught with his fingers in the biscuit barrel. I always feel like I am a shit friend when she does this.
I do say i'm sorry and try my best, it's just that sometimes I can't get it right......ever.
I know I need a woman and that's for sure, I just don't want some space cadet who has nothing to say but looks pretty.
I am not a shallow person I don't really care what someone looks like as long as they have something to say that I find interesting. Oh don't get me wrong I don't want some hideous crone I would love a girl/woman that is pretty and has something about her and not just a look, if that is shallow then okay that's what I am.
Still just thought I would write a little something about me being "infuriating" but not miserable.
apologies for the crammer
but today my friend said something that made me think a bit. She said i was "so infuriating " well i didn't know how to answer her. I mean infuriating , I thought "how rude". But you know after sitting down for an hour or two and thinking about it I can understand why.
I must be one of the hardest people in the world to live with. Being out of work, where before I was getting a job sometimes two or three a week.I am now sat on my arse for a good portion of the day.
Please don't think I am one of those daytime tele people, that would be hard because I don't actually own a working television.
I go out most days and do the whole looking for work thing, job centre, library, asking at every place I can think of etc etc. So I am out and about.
I hate going into town though so I do what I need to do and then get the hell out of Dodge, It ain't that I don't like the town, I just can't stand the idiots that are trolling around there these days, I can't stand to see those "little groups of sadness" huddled in the market square being sad at one another because they think it's cool (Emo's I think they are called)
So i will from now on unless I really am pushed for time put a shout out on Facebook or one of the miriad of social networking sites I seem to be on to see if anyone wishes to join me for coffee or a beer if time is on my side.
Apparently my friend says I have to get out more and meet people and because I don't she says I am "infuriating" because I "lock myself away in my little box of a living room and speen all day on Facebook or watching films"
I wish i could do that but alas no. I train everyday with my swords or knives and go through all my karate basics, kicks punches blocks etc so as to keep myself fit.
But on the advisement of my friend I will try to stop being so infuriating and get out more.
In my last blog I talked about loneliness, well I am lonely and would love a girlfriend again, been a very long time for me 10 years for Christs sake so I must do what I can to rectify this.
I love my friend very much and I know she only has my best intentions at heart. But where do you start after ten years, how do you get back in the game so to speak.
I have forgotten how to talk to girls, I have forgotten how to chat one up that's for damned sure. I was once gifted with the ability to do this nut now I am unsure.
I have always been quite shy around girls and have always found myself a bit tongue tied when one speaks to me, especially if I am dressed in my everyday clothes.
It's all good when I am in costume, when I am dressed as Robin Hood, a highwayman, pirate or some such other character, I can hide behind that. But as me I am just pretty dull I think. Maybe I think too much. I can't read the signs anymore, everything has changed.
Still I must try my best and do what is necessary, just to stop being so "infuriating" . I hate it when she goes off on one and shouts at me I always feel like a little child who has bee scolded for being caught with his fingers in the biscuit barrel. I always feel like I am a shit friend when she does this.
I do say i'm sorry and try my best, it's just that sometimes I can't get it right......ever.
I know I need a woman and that's for sure, I just don't want some space cadet who has nothing to say but looks pretty.
I am not a shallow person I don't really care what someone looks like as long as they have something to say that I find interesting. Oh don't get me wrong I don't want some hideous crone I would love a girl/woman that is pretty and has something about her and not just a look, if that is shallow then okay that's what I am.
Still just thought I would write a little something about me being "infuriating" but not miserable.
apologies for the crammer
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Lonely or Alone
I have always liked my own company, always managed to get things done when I have been alone, without worrying about being a perfect host and all that bollocks.
But of late I have found myself pulling back into myself, and although I have many friends (very few who actually visit me) I have been feeling lonely, or is it alone. To be honest I have never really known the difference between the two (or have I)
I hate this feeling, even when I am surrounded by people I still feel the same way.
I got a friend who says to me "You need a girlfriend dude, the last one you had was ten years ago". Maybe this is true but will it stop me from feeling this loneliness.
Why has it come over me, I never used to feel like this. I have always been a friendly enough chap, I have laughed with my friends, and cried with them. I have always been there for the few who I deem as family.
"Go out more, and meet new people"
Is this the answer, I have tried this and all I end up doing is drinking or standing alone at the bar, I engage people in conversation and still I end up on my own.
I have always been able to talk to people and I know I am not boring, not because of what I am or do but because everyone I meet always tells me "oh my god, you have such an interesting life".
So why do I feel like this why am I suddenly alone and feeling lonely?
Maybe there is no answer to the question, it's like "Why am I here" thousands of people will give you a thousand answers, doesn't mean that any of them will be right.
Maybe I am not lonely at all, maybe it's just that I am alone, I just wish I knew. Now if anyone reads this and wants to comment, please don't quote the dictionary at me. I already know what it says in there.
Maybe no one will comment, which is cool, I don't expect people to even read my ramblings. I set this blog thing up more for myself than others, just a way of getting a few thoughts down somewhere.
But it is an interesting point. Alone or lonely, which is which and when does being alone start to turn int loneliness.
But of late I have found myself pulling back into myself, and although I have many friends (very few who actually visit me) I have been feeling lonely, or is it alone. To be honest I have never really known the difference between the two (or have I)
I hate this feeling, even when I am surrounded by people I still feel the same way.
I got a friend who says to me "You need a girlfriend dude, the last one you had was ten years ago". Maybe this is true but will it stop me from feeling this loneliness.
Why has it come over me, I never used to feel like this. I have always been a friendly enough chap, I have laughed with my friends, and cried with them. I have always been there for the few who I deem as family.
"Go out more, and meet new people"
Is this the answer, I have tried this and all I end up doing is drinking or standing alone at the bar, I engage people in conversation and still I end up on my own.
I have always been able to talk to people and I know I am not boring, not because of what I am or do but because everyone I meet always tells me "oh my god, you have such an interesting life".
So why do I feel like this why am I suddenly alone and feeling lonely?
Maybe there is no answer to the question, it's like "Why am I here" thousands of people will give you a thousand answers, doesn't mean that any of them will be right.
Maybe I am not lonely at all, maybe it's just that I am alone, I just wish I knew. Now if anyone reads this and wants to comment, please don't quote the dictionary at me. I already know what it says in there.
Maybe no one will comment, which is cool, I don't expect people to even read my ramblings. I set this blog thing up more for myself than others, just a way of getting a few thoughts down somewhere.
But it is an interesting point. Alone or lonely, which is which and when does being alone start to turn int loneliness.
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